gu.e: what's left out

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(so far)

One of my regular clients is Ruby Tuesday, and I recently helped the creative team with some writing for one of the other concepts, Wok Hay. My wife Megan and I ate lunch there yesterday, and I had a chance to see some of my handiwork in the new menu. One of my favorite bad puns for a dish showed up in the description of an udon noodle dish: “Either udon or don’t.”

I love bad puns.

After we paid our checks, our waitress Sarah brought fortune cookies. Here’s the funny thing about fortune cookies: I don’t know many people who eat them, but everybody I know opens them. Bored with lackluster fortunes and trite proverbs, my family did what any family would do: we added “in the bedroom” to the end of each.

The three from yesterday certainly needed help:

“Aim high, times flies.” In the bedroom.

“Someone is speaking well of you.” In the bedroom.

“A master can act without doing anything, teach without a word.” In the bedroom.

These vapid aphorisms are par for the course. Has anything that came out of a fortune cookie ever struck you as thought provoking or truly profound? Didn’t think so.

I say we raise the bar, and to that end, I’m having a contest.

{Contest Rules}

Who? You.*

What? Please submit a fortune cookie saying in one or all of these four categories:

1) Insults, original or literary

Example from Henry IV, Part 2 by William Shakespeare: “You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!”

2) Threats

Original Example: “I’m going to set your children on fire in public.”

3) Dire Warnings

Example from my friend George: “Someone is casting a pox upon your house.”

4) Pick-Up Lines

Example from John Travolta in the movie Face/Off: “I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go.”

Where? Post your submissions in the comments section below or on the gu.ebers Facebook page: facebook.com/guebers

When? Deadline for Entry: June 15, 2011 at High Noon

Why? A chance to win a Genuine gu.e Life Hacking Starter Kit that includes the following 7 items of exceeding utility and good taste:

· Small Moleskine notebook (5.5″x3.5″)…ideal for capturing good ideas on the fly, jotting down to do lists, and recording funny snippets of conversation from daft sorority girls
· Authentic Pilot G-2 gel roller in Fine Point, Blue…suitable for penning young adult fantasy fiction novels and endorsing sizable bank drafts from Amazon Kindle book sales
· Rough Rider peanut pocket knife…perfect for cutting the tag ends of threads off custom-tailored suits, sharpening Ticonderoga pencils, and opening packages of Benton’s bacon
· Roald Dahl’s Danny the Champion of the World…helpful for poaching pheasants, learning how to be a good parent, and reclaiming the sweet innocence of childhood
· Olive & Sinclair’s Mexican Style Cinnamon-Chili Chocolate with 67% cacao…strategic for romancing, endorphin releases, and tastebud titillation
· 1 pound of Benton’s Hickory Smoked Country Bacon…ideal for unforgettable breakfasts, heart disease, and weight gain.
· Bandanna in Royal Blue…necessary for identifying oneself with my gang, wiping one’s brow while chopping wood, and making a tourniquet after a backcountry bear attack

How do you win? I have chosen four guest judges, two men and two women—to be announced on the Facebook gu.ebers page—who will help me choose the single best entry. I’ll announce the winner on Friday, June 17.

*Hopefully, you live in the U.S. Though I love to travel and try to have the “global village” mindset, I don’t think I can’t ship bacon, a.k.a MEAT, internationally.

If you have any questions, post them in the comments section below.

I can’t wait to see the ridiculous stuff you people come up with.