August 17, 2009 – 9:51 am
* WARNING :: Read at your own risk. The following post is inappropriate for people of all ages. If you are uncomfortable with your sexuality or if a young white middle-class male’s detailed recollections of sex ed classes at a small private Christian school offend you, find another blog to read or subscribe to Joel […]
By austinlchurch
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Also posted in comic relief, elementary school, family, girls, parents, romance, serious
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Tagged Billy Madison, birds and bees, Christian schools, Christians, croissants, Harry and the Hendersons, Joel Osteen, sex, sex ed, Super Mario Bros. 3, true intimacy, W.P. Scales Elementary
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I follow the bread crumb trail back to the witch’s house where I was afraid and isolated. Back at that place of pain, I discover that the witch is dead. I can see myself splatting on the concrete and laugh. Why? Because it’s funny, and laughter heals wounds.
I came out of those sex ed classes thinking that line drawings of women’s internal architecture looked like something that would grow on the ocean floor, something that looked like a vegetable but was carniverous.
By austinlchurch
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Also posted in childhood, comic relief, girls
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Tagged Baskin Robbins, boobs, David Lipscomb Middle School, Heart of Darkness, lore, puberty, sex ed classes, sexual development, sexual education, sexual innuendo, The Goonies
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First kisses can beautiful, psychedelic, and terrifying experiences. Like LSD, crystal meth, or hallucinogenic mushrooms, they can forever alter your neurochemistry. “Just one,†you tell yourself. “I’ll just eat one of these bright red Amanita Muscaria mushrooms and have a story to tell my friends.†Oh contraire, my friend. You’ll ruin your life. I was […]
By austinlchurch
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Also posted in animals, comic relief, dating, girls, idiot, lapse in judgment
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Tagged 8th grade, Cardinal Sin of Handholding, first kiss, flirtation, kissing, LSD, Mark Twain, ping pong, Prince Charming, roadkill, shrooms, Suburban, tickling
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The 6th grade was a bad year for me. I hated middle school in general. Even though I went to a public elementary school, my arrival at a private Christian middle school in the 5th grade signified my miseducation in matters pertaining to sex, girls, profanity, cruelty, ostracism, tribalism, sarcasm, and all the other -isms […]
By austinlchurch
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Also posted in animals, childhood, comic relief, nastiness
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Tagged betrayal, boogers, caterpillar, Counting Crows, David Lipscomb Middle School, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Island of the Blue Dolphins, kaplowey, Lord of the Flies, middle school, moral decay, Pamela Anderson, Peter Frampton, sixth grade, wild boar, William Golding
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Adam West was six inches taller than I. The actor who played Batman on television in the 1960s was also named Adam West, but all the jokes people made weren’t even funny the first time. Adam’s Q-tip head topped his gangly body. He was pigeon-toed and Catholic. He loved Led Zeppelin and Jimi Hendrix. I […]
One day, just before the bell rang, my 8th grade English teacher asked me to stay after class. A murmur ran through the class: “Oooh….†Of course, everyone was wondering what had happened, what I had done. In those two or three anxious minutes, I ran over every conceivable way I might have sinned against […]
Two of the popular boys gathered the rest of the chosen together and told the group that we were to tell the pariah that boys got their periods too. If he asked us if we’d “shot our dot,†then we were to say yes.
By austinlchurch
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Also posted in comic relief, nastiness
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Tagged 8th grade, hormones, Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail, Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, Reflections, sarcasm, social Darwinism, unstable confederacy of friends, vulnerability
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I got made fun of a lot in middle school, especially in 6th and 7th grade. Even though I made good grades, I hated school for this reason. After one particularly rotten day of getting shredded by my “friends,†my mom could tell something was wrong. She always picked me up. Once I climbed into […]
By austinlchurch
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Tagged 7th grade, ball hog, Big Mountain, bully, Cheerwine, concussion, Dodge Caravan, guerilla warfare, humiliation, middle school, Peter Frampton, scapegoat, whipping boy
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