Finally, an iPhone app I can fully endorse

The iPhone has created buzz for some time now. Its applications, or “apps,” will do everything from make a fart noise at your cocktail party to straighten your pictures on the wall.

A new app will enable parents to talk to their children even less and instead turn their brains to mush with flashing lights and colors. It’s like Baby Einstein on the go!

iStoryTime reads stories to kids. Six stories are currently available for $1.99 each. They have fascinating titles like “Fred the Fish and the Squash That Goes Squish” and “Mommy and Daddy Are Going on a Trip.”

“You’re So Special That I Never Spend Time with You,” “What Mommy Means When She Says You Were a Big Accident,” and “My Daddy is angry, and My Mom’s Depressed” are due to appear in the spring.

iStoryTime offers some obvious advantages over real books. First, the obvious: parents can now focus on all the things they loved to do before their offspring ruined everything. Second, since there are no pages, the children don’t have do lift a finger, thus exacerbating childhood obesity.

FrogDogMedia, the company that designed the app, plans to release a dozen more apps targeted toward children. The LoveMe app will give kids the verbal affirmation that they need to become well-rounded, mature adults.

The HugsKissesAndOtherNonSexualizedNonIncestuousAffection app will warm the glass and plastic of the eye phone to 98.6 degrees, the body temperature of a healthy human being. Combined with the synthetic skin iPhone cover, this app mimics human touch and gives youngsters what they most need—intimacy and security.

Other apps, such as MommyCanYouHelpMeWithMyPooPoo and UhOhIJustThrewUpMyLunchable, will take care of those nasty messes that make one’s spawn less than desirable housemates.

A child never has to snuggle up in your lap and point to the pictures again! iStoryTime takes all the hassles out of putting kids to bed. Buy it today.

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