Mom, why did you give me sisters?

Here are the downsides to having sisters:

· They get crappy stuff for Christmas that you care nothing about and can’t share.

· Their long hair falls out in the shower and clogs the drain. They don’t seem to mind that the water rises above your ankles before you’ve even finished soaping up. The brother has the privilege of fishing out the goopy hairballs and throwing them away. Don’t even bother with putting them on the side of the tub to prove a point. Sisters will ignore them.

· They use exactly one fourth of a bottle of shampoo, conditioner, face wash, body wash, foot scrub, shaving gel, acne cream, and horse tranquilizer before they decide they dislike it and buy a new one. Before long, twenty bottles are balanced like dominoes on the edge of the tub. One false move, and they all tumble down. The brother spends five minutes trying to rebalance them. Why does he not just throw them away? He will incur the wrath of a sister who was “going to use that.” When, last year?

· They want to put make-up on you.
· They want to put your mom’s peach or green prom dress on you.
· They want to put sticky stuff in your hair and paint your nails.
· They steal all of your softest t-shirts and “cutest” boxer shorts.
· They have menstrual cycles and leave used feminine hygiene products in the trash can.
· They have violent mood swings at least once a month. If the brother complains about the tyrant, he is admonished for his “insensitivity.”
· They sometimes date idiots.
· They bring more crappy girls over to spend the night, and the brother can’t even enjoy being in his own home.
· They think it’s funny to throw tampons at you. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s new. It’s a freaking TAMP-on!
· They give you advice about girls, but every woman is different. The brother discovers that blindness can be better than cataracts.
· They don’t like video games. If they do agree to play, they don’t care who wins.
· When you hit them, they cry.
· They talk your parents into buying the worst pets, such as rabbits, guinea pigs, and cats.
· They tell on you.
· They come and ask for your opinion about a dress, pair of shoes, or blue jeans. They care for your opinion only if it agrees with theirs. If you hazard a guess and say, “I think they’re a little too tight,” then you’re suddenly a total failure as a human being. “Whatever,” the sister says and storms off. “Great,” the brother thinks, “I’m really glad that we get to have these interactions rather than go on camping trips and shoot skeet together. This is so much more fun.”


Yeah, having sisters is great:

Hey, Laura, you want to go fishing?


Hey, Elizabeth, you want to go fishing?


Hey, Mom, you want to give birth to a brother for me?


Well, I guess I’ll just walk down the street and see what Hunter is doing. He doesn’t have any brothers either. He probably needs someone to hit him back.


Sisters also come with benefits. Some of the negatives are, at the same time, positives:

· They care nothing about competition or jockeying for position that makes guys so immature and annoying sometimes.

· They typically leave a place smelling better than guys.
· When they invite friends over to spend the night, some of those friends are attractive.
· They often don’t eat all the food on their plates, and need a brother to keep that food from going to wate.

· Double standards—I had fewer rules and got to date sooner.
· They were always eager to give me advice about relationships, which if it didn’t save me from getting my heart broken several times, at least gave me two allies who would tear that *&%^$ to pieces if they ever ran into her.
· My mom felt guilty that she bought my sisters so many clothes that she almost always overcompensated when she tried to keep things even.
· They’re good listeners.
· They remember important occasions and bring gifts.
· They remind you about your parents’ birthdays and anniversary.
· They got married and finally bring more men into the family.
· They don’t mind if you cry about something.
· They can be vicious, which can be really funny.
· They’re typically generous and thoughtful.
· They don’t enjoy breaking things the way boys do, so your stuff is safe.
· They give you advice about what to wear on a date.
· They give you compliments.
· They eventually become some of your closest friends.
· They don’t care as much as guys about being funny, so they’re much nicer on the whole.
· They ask heartfelt questions.
· They do things like fix your hair and brush an eyelash from your cheek and other simple gestures which make you remember that you need other people.

Look at my hair in the picture below to see what happens when you grow up with two sisters. I guess I’ll keep them though. Elizabeth’s kids are pretty cute, and Laura lives in Marina del Rey.

Elizabeth, the Oldest

Austin, the Middle

Laura, the Youngest

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