One of my regular clients is Ruby Tuesday, and I recently helped the creative team with some writing for one of the other concepts, Wok Hay. My wife Megan and I ate lunch there yesterday, and I had a chance to see some of my handiwork in the new menu. One of my favorite bad puns for a dish showed up in the description of an udon noodle dish: â€œEither udon or don’t.â€
I love bad puns.
After we paid our checks, our waitress Sarah brought fortune cookies. Here’s the funny thing about fortune cookies: I don’t know many people who eat them, but everybody I know opens them. Bored with lackluster fortunes and trite proverbs, my family did what any family would do: we added â€œin the bedroomâ€ to the end of each.
The three from yesterday certainly needed help:
â€œAim high, times flies.â€ In the bedroom.
â€œSomeone is speaking well of you.â€ In the bedroom.
â€œA master can act without doing anything, teach without a word.â€ In the bedroom.
These vapid aphorisms are par for the course. Has anything that came out of a fortune cookie ever struck you as thought provoking or truly profound? Didn’t think so.
I say we raise the bar, and to that end, I’m having a contest.
What? Please submit a fortune cookie saying in one or all of these four categories:
1) Insults, original or literary
Example from Henry IV, Part 2 by William Shakespeare: â€œYou scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!â€
Original Example: â€œI’m going to set your children on fire in public.â€
3) Dire Warnings
Example from my friend George: â€œSomeone is casting a pox upon your house.â€
4) Pick-Up Lines
Example from John Travolta in the movie Face/Off: â€œI hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go.â€
Where? Post your submissions in the comments section below or on the gu.ebers Facebook page: facebook.com/guebers
When? Deadline for Entry: June 15, 2011 at High Noon
Why? A chance to win a Genuine gu.e Life Hacking Starter Kit that includes the following 7 items of exceeding utility and good taste:
Â· Small Moleskine notebook (5.5″x3.5″)â€¦ideal for capturing good ideas on the fly, jotting down to do lists, and recording funny snippets of conversation from daft sorority girls
Â· Authentic Pilot G-2 gel roller in Fine Point, Blueâ€¦suitable for penning young adult fantasy fiction novels and endorsing sizable bank drafts from Amazon Kindle book sales
Â· Rough Rider peanut pocket knifeâ€¦perfect for cutting the tag ends of threads off custom-tailored suits, sharpening Ticonderoga pencils, and opening packages of Benton’s bacon
Â· Roald Dahl’s Danny the Champion of the Worldâ€¦helpful for poaching pheasants, learning how to be a good parent, and reclaiming the sweet innocence of childhood
Â· Olive & Sinclair’s Mexican Style Cinnamon-Chili Chocolate with 67% cacaoâ€¦strategic for romancing, endorphin releases, and tastebud titillation
Â· 1 pound of Benton’s Hickory Smoked Country Baconâ€¦ideal for unforgettable breakfasts, heart disease, and weight gain.
Â· Bandanna in Royal Blueâ€¦necessary for identifying oneself with my gang, wiping one’s brow while chopping wood, and making a tourniquet after a backcountry bear attack
How do you win? I have chosen four guest judges, two men and two womenâ€”to be announced on the Facebook gu.ebers pageâ€”who will help me choose the single best entry. I’ll announce the winner on Friday, June 17.
*Hopefully, you live in the U.S. Though I love to travel and try to have the â€œglobal villageâ€ mindset, I don’t think I can’t ship bacon, a.k.a MEAT, internationally.
If you have any questions, post them in the comments section below.
I can’t wait to see the ridiculous stuff you people come up with.