gu.e: what's left out

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“You look better on Facebook.”

James T. Trimble was the winner of the 2011 Funny Fortune Cookie Sayings contest.

He happens to be a former roommate and a close friend, but before you accuse me of nepotism, you should know that all of the entries were anonymous, and guest judges chose the winners.

James won a Genuine gu.e Life Hacking Starter Kit, which included the following 7 items of exceeding utility and good taste:

· Small Moleskine notebook (5.5″x3.5″)…ideal for capturing good ideas on the fly, jotting down to do lists, and recording funny snippets of conversation from daft sorority girls
· Authentic Pilot G-2 gel roller in Fine Point, Blue…suitable for penning young adult fantasy fiction novels and endorsing sizable bank drafts from Amazon Kindle book sales
· Rough Rider peanut pocket knife…perfect for cutting the tag ends of threads off custom-tailored suits, sharpening Ticonderoga pencils, and opening packages of Benton’s bacon
· Roald Dahl’s Danny the Champion of the World…helpful for poaching pheasants, learning how to be a good parent, and reclaiming the sweet innocence of childhood
· Olive & Sinclair’s Mexican Style Cinnamon-Chili Chocolate with 67% cacao…strategic for romancing, endorphin releases, and tastebud titillation
· 1 pound of Benton’s Hickory Smoked Country Bacon…ideal for unforgettable breakfasts, heart disease, and weight gain.
· Bandanna in Royal Blue…necessary for identifying oneself with my gang, wiping one’s brow while chopping wood, and making a tourniquet after a backcountry bear attack

When I told James about the prizes, he replied, “Nah, you can just buy me breakfast.”

Ouch.

Lesson learned: When running sweepstakes and giveaways, offer a prize that people actually want. I’m going with an iPad 2 next time.

I still should have shown James this picture to show him what he was passing up. Fine, more bacon for me.

I still owed James breakfast, so I tried to take him to Harry’s, my favorite spot in downtown Knoxville. It is closed on Mondays. We went to Pete’s instead.

Note: If you want to open a breakfast spot in downtown Knoxville, you have to choose a masculine name from the 1950s and make it possessive.

James T. Trimble is August’s gu.eber of the month.

Here are some interesting facts:

· holds a Master’s degree in Public Administration. This proves that you can use the word “Dude” and not lack intelligence.
· favorite food: banana pudding.
· once went 40 hours without sleep.
· He is a late adopter. He recently purchased Macbook, so I was able to forgive him.
· Last week, he quit his job at The University of Tennessee, so he is now a full-time musician. That’s take guts.
· James is the lead singer of The Dirty Guv’nahs. You can actually download their latest album, “Youth Is In Our Blood,” for FREE on NoiseTrade.
· He’s proud of being in a band for 5 years that has stayed together for five years and begun to see some major successes. It’s a battle. It’s a big deal.
· The highlight of James’s music career so far? Singing with Levon Helm up in Woodstock, New York, and sell-out shows in Nashville, Atlanta, Birmingham, and New York.
· Big plans for the future include a new album coming out in Summer 2012.

· His favorite place in the world is Hawaii, particularly, Oahu and Maui. “I think it’s my speed,” he says.
· If he could find anybody across history, he would fight Keanu Reeves.
· His guilty pleasures include Justin Timberlake, chocolate milkshakes enjoyed in solitude, and looking at used station wagons on Craigslist.
· If he had a $100,000, he’d buy a 1995 Toyota 4Runner, travel for a month in Australia, and save the rest.

My favorite fact about James is that in December of 2008, he asked Megan Ashburn out on a date. The following summer in 2009, James and I were roommates in a big yellow house in the Old North neighborhood. I came home from a housewarming party that Megan and her roommates had organized, and James was sitting on the couch.

“I think I’m going to ask out Megan Ashburn,” I declared.

“Dude, I think that’s a great idea” was his reply.

Megan and I got married in November 2010.

James was the last guy to take her out on a day before me.

He did no harm.

James Trimble – The Myth, The Legend, The Guv’nah.