Matthew’s ludicrous claims would have been funnier if he hadn’t been bleeding and holding a lethal weapon, and you might laugh if you weren’t wondering where he is and worrying that he might be your kid’s P.E. teacher.
Connect With Me
Category Archives: lapse in judgment
Christians love emotional dating
October 18, 2010 – 3:48 pm
When asked by smirking friends why he and Margaret have been spending so much time together, Archie waves away the question like a buzzing mosquito, “Oh, she’s just a friend.†But girls just don’t start marathon text conversations with guys they find unattractive. This is just one of the rules of the universe like gravity and cellulite.
Please stop call me "Pimpin'"
June 16, 2010 – 7:02 pm
A man about my own age was busy disentangling himself from his motorcycle. Uncertain whether he was hurt or not and wobbling like a newborn calf, he rose to his feet. He gazed down at his bike, which lay on its left side, before finally realizing that he had company.
Naked Bike Wreck
October 27, 2009 – 5:13 pm
If, rather than bullets, Russian Roulette involved drinking the hair stripped from a hair brush then submerged in eight ounces of water, then it would be the same as Farkle. My favorite Farkle consequence of all time was put into action on a Spring night in 2007 by my friend and roommate at the time, Greg Hill, .
Using Bricks to Open Windows
September 22, 2009 – 10:38 am
Knowing how to use tools is a kind of credibility with men, like winning an arm wrestling contest or charming women. None of these is something you could put on a resume, but “I can crush this can on my forehead†is certainly more impressive than “I can do your accounting†on your average Saturday night.
My First Kiss
May 24, 2009 – 2:11 pm
First kisses can beautiful, psychedelic, and terrifying experiences. Like LSD, crystal meth, or hallucinogenic mushrooms, they can forever alter your neurochemistry. “Just one,†you tell yourself. “I’ll just eat one of these bright red Amanita Muscaria mushrooms and have a story to tell my friends.†Oh contraire, my friend. You’ll ruin your life. I was […]
Tape Ball to the Face
April 6, 2009 – 3:08 pm
One of the crowning achievements up to that point in my life was knocking a squirrel out of a tree with a rock. It fell off the branch, hit the ground, popped up without the slightest trace of embarassement, and ran right back up the tree. Throwing one object at another seems to be hardwired […]
Peekaru
April 2, 2009 – 6:29 pm
Have you ever wanted to take on the road those delightful Dutch Ovens made possible by your nightly gastro-intestinal complaints? Have you ever wanted a way to capture the flatulence of your precious children and save those sweet gifts of methane? Now you can! Thanks to American ingenuity, the Peekaru provides a solution for both […]
newfound autonomy
March 28, 2009 – 5:44 pm
If you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep such epiphanies to yourself.
Abandonment & Deportation
March 27, 2009 – 9:46 pm
During the train ride home the full implications of the day’s events began to sink in. Where was Hunter? The day had started with a good jolt of adventure, eating a Käsekrainer and running through the streets of Vienna to catch our train. Once we had crossed the Hungarian border, Hunter realized he’d left both […]