The other day I wrote about a trip to Home Depot. I bought an ax for $26.97 with a helve made from petroleum by-products and a head pooped out by a machine in India. Don’t get me wrong, I still felt capable of killing an enemy chieftain with a hand-fletched arrow shot over my shoulder from 100 yards out while riding a galloping stallion. You may call me “Thunderwolf.”
If I had walked into Lowe’s, rather than Home Depot, I would have been able to kill said chieftain with a throwing knife from that distance while riding said stallion and composing sestinas to commemorate the occasion.
Here’s the ax I wanted to buy. I know it’s a sin, but I covet it. I do. I could conquer Andorra with this ax, allow only safe water bottles for the storage and consumption of liquids, make croquet the national sport, and force the entire country to eat organic foods.
This tool was forged by Hephaestus himself in the primordial fires underneath Mt. Olympus. He dubbed it “The Big Sur.” Here’s the rest of the description ::
Our axes are hand tempered in Maine by one of America’s oldest axe companies. The helves (handles) are made of 30″ American hickory, and are designed and hand painted by designer and Best Made co-founder Peter Buchanan-Smith. Each axe is hand engraved with our signature X mark.
When you order one of these beauties, please buy one for me too. I’ll write you a thank you note in cursive on this stationery that my parents got me when I graduated from high school.Their friends gave me towels and leather wallets, so I had to show some gratitude. The ivory paper feels really nice and has dark gray ink.
But wait…there’s more! I’ll cook you dinner. I’ll wash and detail your car. I’ll save your children’s lives. I’ll write a series of blog posts about why you are the awesomest person ever and that’s why you were allowed to purchase two of the awesomest axes ever.
I’m starting to grovel, aren’t I? I’ll just never be happy without this ax. It is my soul mate.