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Dear Potential e-Newsletter Subscriber,

I hate spam. You probably do too. I won’t send you any, and I will never sell your email address—unless I need a kidney. Then I would.

Once or twice a month, I send out an e-newsletter with writing, pictures, and updates that I don’t post on my blog.

What I don’t do is send you political rants, low-res pictures of mischievous kittens, and get-rich-quick schemes. Though I once composed the perfect chain email, I will never send you a sob story about how a nine-year-old girl in Michigan will die of leukemia unless you forward the message to ten friends. I hate guilt trips, and I have been unable to determine how chain emails fight cancer.

You will never learn from me how to supercharge your sex life with Tibetan herbs. I’ve never been to Tibet, and the herbs did nothing.

I promise to respect your privacy. If you want to receive a monthly installment of my work, enter your email address below. You can unsubscribe at any time, but if you do, I’ll probably show up at your house wailing and pulling up the grass.

Best regards,


P.S. After you subscribe, I’ll send you a fake article entitled “Truck Nutz Gets Busted.” It’s inappropriate. It’s my magnum opus. I’ve tried to get it on The Onion, but no one is answering my telegrams.