Category Archives: bad products

What to do with Christmas money

Perhaps you remember—but hopefully you don’t—back in February when Ellen DeGeneres put a lock of Justin Bieber’s hair up for auction on eBay. Complete with plexiglass box, Justin Bieber’s signature, and a letter of authenticity signed by Ellen, the auction closed with a final bid of $40,668. Proceeds benefitted The Gentle Barn, a charitable organization […]

The Danger of Using Stereotypes

I spent Thanksgiving with my wife’s family in Indiana. Some of these fine Midwestern folk enjoy slipping in a joke or two about my Tennessee roots. Apparently, Southerners are racist, drink moonshine, and have crucial gaps in their education. In both the historic and more contemporary meanings of the word, Southerners aren’t “classy.” I’ve run […]

Forever Lazy

The first post that I ever wrote for gu.e was about Snuggies. Hopefully, the last time you thought about those fleece garbage sacks with arm holes was when you were adding them to the pile of “Christmas Gifts To Be Returned Without Receipts.” Thanks to Target’s unaccommodating return policy, you probably had to put your […]

Extasy at Die Prater

In the fall of 2002, I was living and studying in Vienna, Austria. Like good American tourists in a European city, my classmates and I sought out the sites and attractions that the Wieners—think “people living in Vienna,” not “hotdogs”—rarely visited. Think of a museum or park in your hometown. How many times have you […]

My Midnight Expressions

For Fourth of July weekend, Megan and I drove up to Lake Erie in Ohio. We stopped for gas in one of those cute, if forgettable, towns with a row of storefronts on each side of the main drag and one traffic light. We laughed at a restaurant called Pizza Explosion. How could that name […]

Guilty Pleasures, not including a Kate Middleton Royal Wedding doll

The other day my wife Megan asked me about guilty pleasures. Though I count each joie de vivre as a precious child and readily own them, several that made me pause, if only for a second: · Vanilla lattes from Starbucks, especially in airports. Please don’t judge me. · Young adult fantasy fiction without vampires. […]

Ordering Fondue in Antigua, Guatemala

Back in early summer of 2006, my friends Ryan and Lisa were getting married in Antigua, Guatemala. We traveled through and around Guatemala City, San Lucas, Panajachel, Lago de Atitlan, and Antigua on a school bus, and we had enough adventurous, brash, and impertinent people in our group to ensure all kinds of hilarity. After […]

Silk Boxers, Big Mistake

Certain mistakes you only have to make once. Saying “That didn’t hurt,” to your mom after a spanking. Smoking a cigar on an empty stomach. Forgetting to reapply sunscreen in Key West. Using the word “dramatic” when you’re in an argument with your wife-to-be. Visiting Texas. Just about every guy I know has made the […]

The Worst Product Ever – Wear Your Dead Pet, Part 3

I took a break from my most recent Worst Product Ever rant to write something more encouraging about moments of complete contentment. But now we’re back to jewelry made from the ashes of your beloved Shih Tzu, Buttons. If you drop the “zu,” then you know what’s really hanging around the necks of this woman’s […]

The Worst Product Ever – Wear Your Dead Pet, Part 2

Earlier this week, I wrote about the worst product that I have ever read about: jewelry made from the ashes of people’s dead pets. Though I could concoct a hundred different complaints about this carbuncle of commerce, I promised to limit myself to three. The first complaint outlined my general displeasure with pet pampering. The […]