Back in September 2008, I began developing a theory: After Satan took the form of a serpent in the Garden of Eden and blew his cover, he needed a new, less conspicuous animal vessel and decided on cats. Have you ever noticed that both venomous snakes and cats have vertical pupils? I’m just saying. While […]
Certain experiences mold us differently than we would perhaps have chosen. We don’t have the luxury of God’s power and perspective. We don’t have a hand in picking the people and manipulating the forces that will make us. While in our nascent state, we have no Olympian detachment that would enable us to see our […]
My friend David invited me to a private dove hunt on the opening day of dove season, September 1. I haven’t gone dove hunting in fifteen years. The last time I tried to bring down one of those aerial acrobats, I need a note signed by my parents to get out of school. My sunscreen […]
When we were growing up, my two sisters and I weren’t allowed to watch several television shows. Married with Children had bad language and crass humor. The Simpsons was a little too irreverent for my parents’ taste. Friends had all the wrong goodies: promiscuity, children out of wedlock, divorce, profanity, a casual attitude toward pornography, […]
My mom tells a story about picking me up from Sunday School. My teacher met her at the door and said, “I need to show you something.†Those words would make any parent nervous. Had her son thrown feces against the wall? Had he tied up one of the other kids in the class? When […]
Sometimes gu.ebers come in pairs. This month, I’d like to showcase the genius of Allison Sprouse and Rachel Wood Turner. On June 1, they released the premiere issue of modern ink, the prettiest new online magazine at school, and quite frankly, they knocked my socks off. Everything about the magazine looks as though the duo […]
Certain mistakes you only have to make once. Saying “That didn’t hurt,†to your mom after a spanking. Smoking a cigar on an empty stomach. Forgetting to reapply sunscreen in Key West. Using the word “dramatic†when you’re in an argument with your wife-to-be. Visiting Texas. Just about every guy I know has made the […]
I took a break from my most recent Worst Product Ever rant to write something more encouraging about moments of complete contentment. But now we’re back to jewelry made from the ashes of your beloved Shih Tzu, Buttons. If you drop the “zu,†then you know what’s really hanging around the necks of this woman’s […]
Earlier this week, I wrote about the worst product that I have ever read about: jewelry made from the ashes of people’s dead pets. Though I could concoct a hundred different complaints about this carbuncle of commerce, I promised to limit myself to three. The first complaint outlined my general displeasure with pet pampering. The […]
