Category Archives: animals

The Worst Product Ever – Wear Your Dead Pet, Part 1

I have a fascination with bad products. They hold my attention like Steven Segal building a bomb with coconut oil and glass in Under Siege 2. The psychology behind the movies is straightforward: they allow me to indulge a fantasy of physical dominance and control in an increasingly violent, complex, technology-obsessed world. I know who […]

Masochistic Mascots

Why is it that every barbecue has a smiling, winking, or otherwise jovial pig pushing pork? What’s with these masochistic mascots?

Inheriting New Year’s Resolutions

This was going to take some undoing. His first act of counterterrorism would be to find an Elvis jumpsuit with rhinestones, and his second would be to procure a gold chain. He had been only three credit hours away from a Drama minor in college. He could beat his wife at her own game. Mission Simplicity had just become Mission Uxorial Mortification.

Rediscovering Royalty: A Tale about Bob (Part 2)

Bob’s rescue was no coincidence. A theme is emerging in my life. Some things you can’t learn. You must be born with them. I really feel like I should be riding a dragon and bringing peace to the Middle East. I should be discovering that though I was reared in obscurity, I have noble birth and now I must save my kingdom.

Rediscovering Sensitivity: A Tale about Bob (Part 1)

One of its wings didn’t look right, and it was wandering around in front of North Knoxville Church of God next door. A bird with feathers askew is like a man wearing eyeliner.

IDMOM: A New Disease Affecting Thousands

No advertisement can be better than a bad advertisement. This gem will remove all doubt.

More Elusive Parts of Frog Anatomy

Perhaps, instead, I would place a live frog, kicking and croaking, in each pair of upturned palms and say, “You decide whether this frog lives or dies. If you decide to save its life, you must find it a good pond or river, then let it go. If you decide to kill it, you must do so at the front of the room where everyone can see. That’s the cost of being human.”

Crying Wolf

Certain personality traits lend themselves to mythologizing, and in light of certain events, even common words can take on mythic proportions and special connotations. Most of these small, quite ordinary happenings take place on the way to the grocery or church or baseball practice.

My First Kiss

First kisses can beautiful, psychedelic, and terrifying experiences. Like LSD, crystal meth, or hallucinogenic mushrooms, they can forever alter your neurochemistry. “Just one,” you tell yourself. “I’ll just eat one of these bright red Amanita Muscaria mushrooms and have a story to tell my friends.” Oh contraire, my friend. You’ll ruin your life. I was […]

6th grade was hell

The 6th grade was a bad year for me. I hated middle school in general. Even though I went to a public elementary school, my arrival at a private Christian middle school in the 5th grade signified my miseducation in matters pertaining to sex, girls, profanity, cruelty, ostracism, tribalism, sarcasm, and all the other -isms […]