Category Archives: idiot

Things You Shouldn’t Say to Women

I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day. Megan came in. Her face was pale, and her eyes were red. “I didn’t sleep well,” she said. “You look like a corpse,” I said. Judging by the look on her face, she didn’t find my remark funny. I decided to try again. “And you […]

Advice to Plagiarists

Back in 2006 I was teaching English at David Lipscomb High School, and my juniors were spending time in a special circle of purgatory known as “Research.” At eight to ten pages, these papers were the longest that most of them had ever attempted. The smaller assignments and grades leading up to the paper and […]

April Fool’s, Men’s Feelings, and Warped Humor

Every year on April Fool’s Day, my dad tells a lie. Of course on that particular day of the year, we don’t call them lies. We call them “jokes” or “pranks.” This technicality in nomenclature is supposed to annul the victim’s anger, deflate it like a red balloon. “Can’t you take a joke?” the perpetrator […]

If you ever date more than one blond girl

If you ever date more than one girl with blond hair and blue eyes, even several years apart, be sure not to call the one named Brittany Lindsay. Twice. “Who’s Lindsay?” It’s hard to salvage an enjoyable date from the awkward apology and flimsy explanation that follow. Just go ahead and take Brittany or Lindsay […]

Self-Sabotage: Be Careful with the Camouflage

I’m confident that all three of those students are remarkable in some way. I just hope that they don’t sabotage their originality long enough to bury it.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Pathological Liar

Matthew’s ludicrous claims would have been funnier if he hadn’t been bleeding and holding a lethal weapon, and you might laugh if you weren’t wondering where he is and worrying that he might be your kid’s P.E. teacher.

Christians love emotional dating

When asked by smirking friends why he and Margaret have been spending so much time together, Archie waves away the question like a buzzing mosquito, “Oh, she’s just a friend.” But girls just don’t start marathon text conversations with guys they find unattractive. This is just one of the rules of the universe like gravity and cellulite.

“Expert Travelers”: They too are God's children

One of the few pursuits that I love as much as flyfishing for trout on remote rivers and lakes is traveling. I have visited twenty countries, and I tell you that to establish my credibility. Yet, most people think they are expert travelers. We Americans are experts in everything, and thanks to this mentality, I have the privilege of standing in line and watching people pat their pockets and fumble around in their carryons for their boarding passes and Ids.

Mortification at Beech Mountain

Five-year-olds in insulated cover-alls and funky hats would stop and ask, “Are you okay?” Well, I guess that depends on what you mean by “okay.” No bones are broken, but I’ve felt like a twelve-year-old who wets his bed for the last hour.

The Best Worst Trip Ever, Part One

While I was waiting, I noticed that the post office worker had a cross taped to her plastic name plate. Cards with scriptures printed on them were also taped in several places.
This was encouraging. As a Christian, she might be more willing to help me.