Category Archives: idiot

Aspiring Pervert at Subway

What I had seen was a man who had just set on fire one of the major nerve centers in his body because he wanted to play exhibitionist on a Monday night doubled over in pain as he returned to his getaway car.

Using Bricks to Open Windows

Knowing how to use tools is a kind of credibility with men, like winning an arm wrestling contest or charming women. None of these is something you could put on a resume, but “I can crush this can on my forehead” is certainly more impressive than “I can do your accounting” on your average Saturday night.

Gutsy but not Smooth (Part II)

”Oh gosh, I just made myself sound like a total loser.”

Gutsy but not Smooth (Part I)

I knew that Rob had no expectation that I’d actually do it. I wanted to see the look on his face, and he was right, I had nothing to lose.

I am clairvoyant

The future is clear: the postal system is doomed.

My First Kiss

First kisses can beautiful, psychedelic, and terrifying experiences. Like LSD, crystal meth, or hallucinogenic mushrooms, they can forever alter your neurochemistry. “Just one,” you tell yourself. “I’ll just eat one of these bright red Amanita Muscaria mushrooms and have a story to tell my friends.” Oh contraire, my friend. You’ll ruin your life. I was […]

Tape Ball to the Face

One of the crowning achievements up to that point in my life was knocking a squirrel out of a tree with a rock. It fell off the branch, hit the ground, popped up without the slightest trace of embarassement, and ran right back up the tree.  Throwing one object at another seems to be hardwired […]

newfound autonomy

If you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep such epiphanies to yourself.

Boobs on the screen

I was showing my Freshmen one of my favorite movies—Dead Poets Society—as an introduction to our unit on creative writing. During one of their meetings in the cave, one of the boys takes out a dirty magazine. I’m standing at the back of the class, engrossed in the movie, and then— Boobs on the screen. […]

Teaching Blunders #1: Faux cocaine

Curiosity is your Achilles’ heel.