I came out of those sex ed classes thinking that line drawings of women’s internal architecture looked like something that would grow on the ocean floor, something that looked like a vegetable but was carniverous.
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Category Archives: girls
My First Kiss
May 24, 2009 – 2:11 pm
First kisses can beautiful, psychedelic, and terrifying experiences. Like LSD, crystal meth, or hallucinogenic mushrooms, they can forever alter your neurochemistry. “Just one,†you tell yourself. “I’ll just eat one of these bright red Amanita Muscaria mushrooms and have a story to tell my friends.†Oh contraire, my friend. You’ll ruin your life. I was […]
The Toast
May 15, 2009 – 2:43 pm
My dating history is a mashup of triumphs and failures. My longest relationship to date was a nine-month soiree with a lovely young woman named Lindsay. I remember the very first time I saw her. She was walking through the rows of cardio equipment at the Maryland Farms YMCA. I was running on a treadmill […]
Shame on me
April 1, 2009 – 9:02 pm
In honor of April Fool’s Day, I’d like to list some of the pranks and mischief that I’ve orchestrated in years past: High School 1) Stealing the ball from Coach Tillman’s mouse so that it wouldn’t work. Once he discovered what was happening, he asked for a backup from Phil Sanders, the IT guy at […]
A use for a time machine
March 8, 2009 – 12:04 am
I don’t have many regrets. Even my mistakes have shaped me into the person I am. You could tell your grandmother about the few skeletons in my closet and she’d probably laugh and tell you a few saucy stories about your grandfather. However, if you offered to lend me your time machine for a few […]